relationships

"I asked the Lord to help me remember not to take my heart away from Him and give it to a boyfriend too quickly. To keep this commitment, I decided I would pray before accepting any date. Before going out, I would pray again, this time asking that my thoughts and actions during the time together would not center on encouraging him romantically, but building a friendship and encouraging his love for the Lord. At times, when I felt flutters of romance rising and my heart trembling, I would ask the Lord to renew my strength and reset my focus; I would picture myself kneeling in new commitment." from Lady in Waiting

I know this is how it should be, but it's been so hard. This is exactly the approach I used to take, but now, as I'm struggling to find my purpose in my life, it's so easy to fall into my lonely traps. This world is full of excuses for a girl to say that they NEED a guy, but in reality we are all yearning to be loved. Whether it's from our family, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or God, we want love. I started falling into this trap as well.

SO...I had a crush on this guy that I didn't even know really. He was one of those respectable guys at my school, and when I had the first opportunity to have a conversation with him, it made me glad that he was the admirable/respectable guy that I thought of him to be. So here is this guy I don't ever cross paths with, I don't know what he is like, and I just thought he was attractive, but as I saw him around more, I just became more attracted. I wanted to talk to him more and would hope he thought the same way. I kept wanting to justify myself that if he started liking me, how things would be different. I thought of things like I would get to know his friends, he would hangout with mine, and little stuff like that. As you can see, I lost control of my thoughts because I didn't care if he didn't fit what I wanted in a guy. All I knew was that he COULD POSSIBLY have those traits as I got to know him, I was attracted to his looks, and I just liked him.

Then, I was talking to my friends, and they brought up something in their textbooks about "Romantic love versus rational love". I didn't think much of it, but I read it anyway.

• Romantic love is when we meet someone and we like some of the qualities they have, but we say to ourselves 'This person has ALL the qualities and attributes I want in a spouse/lover.' The emotion we feel is intense infatuation; a feeling of being romantically in love; and a feeling of ecstasy.
• Rational love is being aware of and comfortable with our own needs, goals, identity and desires, you become well acquainted with someone who reflects, to a fair extent, the characteristics you desire in a lover or spouse. We say to ourselves 'This person has many of the qualities and attributes that I want a lover/spouse. I admire this person's strengths, but am aware and accepting of his shortcomings.'

Many times we yearn for this "romantic" love, but that's not the only quality we should find in a spouse/lover. When we are so infatuated and romanced by someone, we always find ourselves justifying our actions/thoughts, and we don't talk to ourselves in a realistic perspective. This excerpt in the textbook goes on to explain how "romantic love" is temporary and make believe. Most times we aren't falling in love with the person, but we only love an idealized imaginary person. We can create a love for anyone in just how we persuade ourselves to think. 

Rational love happens with this:

1. We are clear and comfortable with our goals, desires and identities.
2. You know the other person well.
3. You have accurately and objectively assessed the loved one's strengths and shortcomings, and we are generally accepting of their shortcomings.
4. Your self-talk is consistent to your short-term and long-term goals.
5. Your self-talk is realistic and rational so that your feelings are not based on fantasy, excessive need, or pity.
6. You and this person are able to communicate openly and honestly so that problems can be dealt with when they arise and so that the relationship can continue to grow and develop
7. You and the other are able to give and receive, show kindness and affection, and know and do what pleases the other person.

Going back to what I was talking about. It hit me pretty hard that I was kidding myself and was not talking realistically. The description under "romantic love" described point by point my situation, and I realized that I shoved away my beliefs, goals, and morals to justify my wish of things working out with this guy. Rational love is what I yearn for in a future lover/spouse, and which explains why I haven't dated anyone. I want these qualities in a guy, but God hasn't put someone in my life yet. I need to take that in and suck it up because I used to believe the lies in my head that I'm just not good enough to even have one boyfriend. I looked at everyone around me, and I wondered why I couldn't or didn't have a boyfriend. Now it makes so much sense to me. I want to be like the woman that describes her prayers to God concerning how she approaches relationships. I also need to grow in my intimacy with the Lord to be able to want the same in my lover/spouse. I can't expect for my love for God to grow automatically when I find the one.